Was it all worth it

Was it all worth it – The Dunwells
They say love is all around,
it’s a thing that knocks you down,
then it picks you up again,
just to break you into pieces.
They say a broken heart can only mend,
but it will never be new again.
For us to start from the beginning,
would just be foolish.
Was it all worth it now?
Have you turned your life around?
Are your feet firmly on the ground?
Are you free?

It was hate that knocked you down.
and it pinned you to the ground,
you swore you’d get up again,
and you’d get through this,
or your broken heart is on the mend,
turning from blue to red again,
you’re patching up the surface,
you’re rebuilding.
Was it all worth it now?
Did you turn your life around?
Is your heart still beating loud?
Are you free?
Was it all worth it now?
Have you turned your life around?
Are your feet firmly on the ground?
Or is it me?
Was it all worth it now?
Did you turn your life around?
Is your heart still beating loud?
Or is it me?

free
free us

The Great Unknown

I feel restless as I wait for the result of my PhD application, which will be released in March. On the one hand, I am not confident that my proposal, qualifications and references are good enough. On the other hand, I’m not prepared to take no for an answer — I must secure a place in the program because this research is all I want to do. Given I don’t see any prospect of me moving to Australia anytime soon, this research is the only thing that is going to give me a sense of purpose while I still live in this godforsaken city (I applied to a local university because tuition fees are currently waived for local students, which could make it even more competitive than before). I’m tired of doing someone else’s research. I’ve worked with different professors over these years but none of them seemed able to offer me any career guidance and it’s not because I didn’t make known to them my intention to pursue a research career. I’ve never co-written a paper with any of them, merely existing and acknowledged in footnotes. That does really say something about my (lack of) abilities, doesn’t it? The only one who actively encouraged me to do a research degree,  I failed him when I withdrew from the program due to my depression and moment of autism awakening, which he couldn’t understand.

I know March will be here in no time but at the moment, I feel like a prisoner waiting for the death sentence. And I know that if I do succeed in my application, I would be looking back at this post and laugh at my own silliness. That’s the thing with hindsight. It changes the way you felt about something previously. This is why this blog exists — to document my struggles and efforts when the future outcome is yet unknown. It serves me no purpose to write about how I overcame my fears and challenges when and after my dream comes true. I want to write about my fears and struggles as I am going through them right now, without the influence of hindsight. I want to remember that feeling of hopeless and despair so as to remind myself to always be kind, compassionate and sensitive. Success stories are nice but rather than listening to someone talk about how they overcame obstacles and challenges to achieve success (and fame), I rather hear about what keeps ordinary people moving on and waking up, day to day, despite obstacles and challenges even when the outcome is unknown because these are the people I relate to. Fortunately, there is no lack of inspiration from the people I follow on WP.

No comment is required. Thanks for reading.


The Great Unknown – Mighty Oaks

I know we’ll work it out but I’m terrified that I will let you down

Will I be good enough?

Will I do things the right way?

Will I spend my days afraid?

The great unknown, we both hardly know what’s on the way

Friday Medley

I can’t find the right words but I know the right songs

I wanted to sing a Monday Medley but it’s Friday and we do things a little madly

I dream of somewhere over the rainbow but the reality is somewhere over the top

People don’t like things that are different so we’ve all become indifferent

There are no mountains beyond mountains, only deadlines after deadlines

There is no silver lining, only black clouds looming

Head above the cloud, I see my paradise

Head in the cloud, hopes are merely beautiful lies

A million dreams keeping me awake but

the more I dream

the more I know I’m not

Watch on YouTube for the lyrics

Merry go round

Going around in circles, life is but one big circus.

Another round of merry, another round of sorry.

A glass half hopeful, a glass half doubtful.

The best, the worst, is yet to come,

imagining the possible outcomes,

the only limitation is your imagination. 

The only promise is ups and downs. 

It’s the start of an old chapter, the ride of your lifetime.

Another year, another round, here we go again.


Cold Weather Company, Clover (watch on YouTube for the lyrics)

Don’t say it’s over, call it a clover🍀

Lights off

Since when Christmas has lost its magic?

Since the snowman melted

“Sometimes I wonder if the world’s so small,
That we can never get away from the sprawl,
Living in the sprawl,
Dead shopping malls rise like mountains beyond mountains,
And there’s no end in sight,
I need the darkness someone please cut the lights.”