As if this sickening city is not crowded enough, the recent opening of the mega-bridge linking Hong Kong with Zhuhai, China has just brought another influx of people into the city and created even more social conflict. I’m trying to avoid the news because I don’t need further reminders of what is causing my misery. Do you have a vulnerable weak spot, subjects or things you don’t talk about because it triggers negative emotions and anxiety? It could be a number, a date, an event, an object, a place or even words. Ordinary words such as Hong Kong, Singapore, Chinese are my trigger words, they evoke a strong repulsive emotion in me that I can’t engage in a friendly exchange of conversation if these topics are involved. Perhaps you would say I’m not being rational and objective. Yes, I agree and precisely why I would disengage myself from related topics because I can’t be rational and objective, there is too much emotions at stake. It reminds me of everything that is wrong in me. It reminds me of how it all went wrong. I’m constantly in a heightened state of arousal because there is too much triggers around my environment – an overdose of people and overwhelming noise within a constrained space. For the record, I am not ok and so long as I live here, I will not be ok but I’m managing it, ranting is a way of managing it. And the reason that triggered this post is I was just ask to translate an article on this very topic I mentioned in my opening sentence. Damnit. This city is fucked up. Cursing, by the way, is also a way of managing.
On this note, I am going to say something I might regret but which I believe is necessary as there is more to gain than lose. This blog wouldn’t exist without my dream. Not only does it serve as a record of my progress (or lack of), it pushes me to work harder, it also helps to keep me disciplined. Starting today, I will restrict myself to one post per week, featuring a cat image and nothing else, until I come up with a research proposal. Now that I’ve said it, I am answerable for my own conduct and I have to set my priorities straight. I will still be reading the posts of others, I just want to make sure the time I spent to generate my blog content will be diverted to my research proposal instead.
Last but not the least, listening to music that speaks to my heart is another way of managing my triggers. Happy listening.
Organs – Of Monsters and Men
And I pull out my tongue ’cause it reminds me how it all went wrong
But I leave in my heart ’cause I don’t want to stay in the dark”