Trigger warning: Contains swearing

As if this sickening city is not crowded enough, the recent opening of the mega-bridge linking Hong Kong with Zhuhai, China has just brought another influx of people into the city and created even more social conflict. I’m trying to avoid the news because I don’t need further reminders of what is causing my misery. Do you have a vulnerable weak spot, subjects or things you don’t talk about because it triggers negative emotions and anxiety? It could be a number, a date, an event, an object, a place or even words. Ordinary words such as Hong Kong, Singapore, Chinese are my trigger words, they evoke a strong repulsive emotion in me that I can’t engage in a friendly exchange of conversation if these topics are involved. Perhaps you would say I’m not being rational and objective. Yes, I agree and precisely why I would disengage myself from related topics because I can’t be rational and objective, there is too much emotions at stake. It reminds me of everything that is wrong in me. It reminds me of how it all went wrong. I’m constantly in a heightened state of arousal because there is too much triggers around my environment – an overdose of people and overwhelming noise within a constrained space. For the record, I am not ok and so long as I live here, I will not be ok but I’m managing it, ranting is a way of managing it. And the reason that triggered this post is I was just ask to translate an article on this very topic I mentioned in my opening sentence. Damnit. This city is fucked up. Cursing, by the way, is also a way of managing.

On this note, I am going to say something I might regret but which I believe is necessary as there is more to gain than lose. This blog wouldn’t exist without my dream. Not only does it serve as a record of my progress (or lack of), it pushes me to work harder, it also helps to keep me disciplined. Starting today, I will restrict myself to one post per week, featuring a cat image and nothing else, until I come up with a research proposal. Now that I’ve said it, I am answerable for my own conduct and I have to set my priorities straight. I will still be reading the posts of others, I just want to make sure the time I spent to generate my blog content will be diverted to my research proposal instead.

Last but not the least, listening to music that speaks to my heart is another way of managing my triggers. Happy listening.

Organs – Of Monsters and Men

“So I take off my face ’cause it reminds me how it all went wrong
And I pull out my tongue ’cause it reminds me how it all went wrong
And I cough up my lungs ’cause they remind me how it all went wrong
But I leave in my heart ’cause I don’t want to stay in the dark”

17 thoughts on “Trigger warning: Contains swearing

  1. Oh!!! I too feel anxious reading or hearing the news… even if i know what im reading is being sensationalized. To change the psychology of a group or even larger, a nation. The world, perhaps. Am i reading this right… you are in China? I have missed a lot. I cannot keep up with all the blogs! But I love yours… so much truth. I will set time aside, right now, and read Dream Walden. All the best to you and meeting your goal of a dissertation thesis. 🥳❤️

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I’m in Hong Kong, which is part of China. I have nothing further to say about them lol 😂
      I don’t watch the news or read newspaper, I have an instant messaging app that keeps popping up the news headline and I can’t disable it, which is really annoying.
      Thanks for dropping by 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  2. The other day you wrote “Fantasy”. There is a sadness behind it but the straight path leading into the blue horizon gave me joy. A bright, “what if” in having something so beautiful to reach for. If there was no fantasy, there would be no hope.

    Then you wrote – what is your hope made of. My thoughts have been going over it again and again like a well worn recipe card. The ingredients and cooking time and the promise of something wonderful to share at the end. You wrote beautifully and thoughtfully. I will be wondering over it for some time. And I love the song Ophelia. I recognized it at once, you have shared it before 🎶.

    And, the above – yes, for me there are also words and subjects and dates. I try to leave them be as best I can. My best thoughts and wishes are with you as you push forward with your research proposal…an ingredient in your Dream Walden. Take care 😺💕🦋

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I love that song (Ophelia) too. I knew this is a song I wanted to share the very first moment I heard it few months ago but there wasn’t a music video of it yet. When the acoustic version came out, I shared it almost immediately, and then the official video came out, I just wanted to share it again because the video is so beautiful.

      Thanks for putting so much thoughts into reading my posts. I had penned my previous post for a while. I think you could sense an urgency from my recent posts that my hope is approaching its expiry and what I’m doing now is assembling whatever I can, whatever I have, to make a new jar. When I penned the previous post, I wasn’t going to continue after the last sentence that appeared before the picture (ie. “the will to live”) but I worried that would sound too harsh, too dark, of course I’m not obliged to write happy posts just to please others but it’s a constant balancing act of a pessimist trying to find realistic concrete reasons to be hopeful. I mean nothing irks me more at this point if someone says to me happiness comes from within and life is full of hope, miracles do happen, stuff like that. And despite being a pessimist, I know the importance of staying hopeful, and I don’t want to be a person that crushes someone’s hope. I guess this is why sometimes my posts sound hopeful, sometimes not. It is simply me trying to keep a balance.

      And yes, I really really love wide blue skies, I guess you know that too. But for now, it’s only something that exist in my pictures and memories.💙💙💙

      And this smile is for you 😊

      Liked by 3 people

      1. I’m glad you did share it again. It’s so lovely.

        I could sense an urgency. Life is like that, sometimes urgent, helpless and hopeless. I have plenty of writing that sits in limbo that’s just like that. Days when hope doesn’t come easily. I pull them out and think – oh dear. Then I go on to “hope” it up a bit before posting. 🙃 I find your being real to be brave and that gives me hope.

        Here’s to wide blue skies! May they become a real part of your Everyday!💙💙💙

        Thank you! And for you 😊

        Liked by 2 people

  3. I don’t have any specific triggers, but the news here is often upsetting, so I block it out most of the day. I do read or listen to it for a limited time every day, because I don’t want to hide from it completely. I guess I compartmentalize. Regarding your blog, posting once a week might be a good strategy, if it helps you to focus on the proposal. On the other hand, if blogging helps you to organize your ideas, or if ranting helps you cope with stress and frustration, maybe you could do a longer post once a week, along with a cat image? 😺

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Oh yeah, I know about trigger words and avoiding stuff. Mine are so bad that I won’t even put them in this comment, but you can probably take a guess at a few from my Comments and Likes info page on my blog. I tend to avoid the news and just ask my husband who’s a news-addict, what’s happening in the world each day. Then if there’s something I feel I need to know more about, I go online and read about it – for a while. There’s far too much upsetting stuff ‘out there’ for me to cope with on a daily basis. But I understand why your particular (mentioned) trigger words are such, and I have the hope for you that you find your way to your Dream Walden as soon as you can, to get away from them.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you, Val. I read your Comments and Likes info page and I can relate to some of the things you mentioned. I sometimes get email and comment anxieties where I’d delay reading a reply/comment because of anxieties and not knowing what sort of response I’d be getting.

      I recently read another blogger’s post where she talked about a dream of hers coming true and that took her 15 years. Her post gave me hope but at the same time, 15 years! I’m not sure if I can put up with it for that long. I guess this process of losing hope and finding hope will be a repeating cycle and recurring theme in my blog. Thank you for your kind words and understanding ❤

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Well, we all achieve things at different rates, so you’re likely to be able to reach your dream much earlier than that. You have the need to – that will carry you there. x

        Liked by 1 person

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