How well do you know yourself? Do you have trouble listening to your body and following your heart? When someone says, “Do what is best for yourself”, how do you know what you are thinking and feeling; and what do you want and like? At times I wonder how much of my personality and character is due to nature and how much is due to nurture.
Ever since autism entered the equation, the issue becomes more complicated as I ponder how much is due to my personality and how much is due to autism. Am I a misanthropist by nature? Girls with autism are thought to be better than boys at masking their differences by imitation. Was I ever pretending? Did I ever imitate to try to blend in with the norm? I was resolute that from now on, I am going to be more truthful to my autistic self. However, what is my autistic self like? How much of me is due to my pretending to be normal?
Sometimes I reflect upon my pre-diagnosed days to see if I could find any traces of autism lurking behind that tried to influence my decisions. When I was divided between the choice of applying for a degree in law or psychology, which part of me had wanted to do law and which part of me had wanted psychology? Follow your heart is tricky when the heart is being owned by two opposite selfs.
I am glad there is no medication for autism because personally, I do not like taking medication (unless it can erase my memory away completely). It might do me worse for I would have a hard time wondering how much of what I am thinking is a result of the medication and how much of the ‘real’ me remains; and if medication were to take away my autism, would I still be me?