I’ve never kept a diary, I’ve tried several times in the past to keep one but what tends to happen was I just stopped writing after a few entries. If my blog posts were handwritten entries in a diary, I would have eventually torn the pages and threw them away. Although I express myself better in writing (compared to talking), I do have trouble articulating my feelings and finding the right words. It can be a struggle to express my thoughts, I often say my mind is blocked. Sometimes I had people asking me what I was thinking (because I seemed to be in deep thoughts), to which I often reply, nothing in particular, which is true to certain extent. My mind is a jumble of thoughts and it could be tricky to retrieve a specific one. Like a game of jenga, I have to be careful not to disturb the connecting pieces or else, I would open a floodgate of thoughts which would be hard for me to control especially when my mind can no longer absorb new ideas. I wonder if this has to do with an impaired executive function that may well explain my problems with organising and planning. Yes, I wasn’t aware that this is a characteristic of Asperger Syndrome when I got my diagnosis and it wasn’t until few years ago, when I was struggling with my thesis that I found out that this is a characteristic. It helps to explain why I was having trouble structuring and formulating my argument, it is not an excuse.
I have been busy working on a research project of my own and I have not prepared for this week’s post (part of this post was actually written in advance in the last month or so but saved as a draft because it was not complete and the idea was still in progress). I have been so engrossed in this project of mine, I was prepared to submit a blank post this week. I have to admit I am not a good multi-tasker in circumstances where both tasks call for intensive thinking and I find it tremendously difficult to work on my project and the blog at the same time. The images below pretty much illustrates my state of mind then.
Anyway, I’m glad I don’t have to submit a blank entry this week even though I could have just stopped writing and I doubt my absence will bother anyone. However, the day I started this blog and recalling the purpose of it, I know this cannot be a half-hearted attempt. And this has nothing to do with the number of readers I have, which I’m sure is less than two digits. In a way, this blog is connected to my dream and I feel I have to maintain this blog for as long as I am still working towards my dream. Besides, I have to account for “my other self” who remains sceptical of my plans and likes to throw cold water on me.
PS: I might just post a song sometimes without further elaboration and please don’t think that I’m patronising when I do that. Often, a song speaks louder than my words and reflects what I’m feeling. I would say people would get a more accurate answer to the question, “how are you feeling?” from a song that I am listening to than from my own words.