As my current employment contract is approaching towards the end, I’ve been looking at classified posts for suitable jobs. In the midst of chasing my Walden dream, it is an irony that I am looking for a job in the country I so desperately want to get out of. Yet, this is my utmost priority as I got to support myself somehow and I don’t think miracle is just going to land me a job in Australia in the months to come. Come job hunting time, I think about approaching people whom I have not contacted for a long time and wonder if it is now time to contact again. Then a feeling of guilt sets in.
I wouldn’t say I’m a good friend or person for the reason that when all things are good, I don’t usually initiate contact. While I do think about friends or persons whom I’m indebted to from time to time, that seldom transforms into action. Even if I think of approaching them for help, I will only do so if necessary, as a last resort. From my perspective, I like to leave people alone to enjoy their own free time as this is what I like and wherever possible, I will try not to bother. And when I find the motivation to contact, I’m embarrassed to say I probably needed help or advice or favour, which makes me a total jerk, ungrateful and insincere.
I am putting efforts to be more socialise nowadays in the form of asking friends out for meal or just sending them a simple greeting. This is possible only because I have a small circle of close friends which makes it easier for me to initiate contact and keep up with their status and at the same time, without sacrificing too much of my me time. Even if I do have an ‘ulterior motive’ contacting someone, the truth is asking for help isn’t easy either. Making social contact is awkward enough, let alone making contact with a favour to ask, which is why I tend to leave it as a last resort. Personally, I think it is not in the nature of autistic individuals to request for help, hence when they do attempt to ask for help, they really mean they need a helping hand. I am not just saying this to put myself in a favourable light or to justify my lack of motivation to contact. I think the same goes for people with depression. Asking for help is not asking for a simple way out. It is the result of realising that I can’t do it on my own and there is no other plausible way out other than to ask for assistance. Even for something as simple as asking for directions, before I approach anyone, the first and foremost questions I will ask myself is: is it time to ask for help? Can I get things done without making contact with people?
I feel anxious to ask for help. I am not expecting help to arrive but am only hoping for help. I get a jittery feeling when I receive a response because it is impossible to predict how people would respond and I hope people don’t get the wrong idea that I am taking them for granted. The kind of help that I really dread to ask and which makes me anxious is having to make arrangements for someone else to visit my place such as fixing the electrical appliance or home delivery, especially when the other party is unable to provide you with the exact time or turns up outside of the scheduled time. I hate the feeling of not knowing when somebody is going to show up at my door and having to re-adjust my schedule as a result. I also hate unannounced visits and would usually ignore the doorbell unless I am expecting someone. This is why wherever possible, I try to rely on my own and would only ask for help when it is clear that it is beyond my power and I can’t do it on my own.
Featured image credit: Michael Blazek SOS (Save Our Surfers) Photography Lexi Smith, Swell Sculpture Festival 2014